I can hardly believe a year has gone by since my darling husband David passed, April 26, 2009. Tommorrow (April 11th) would have been his 69th birthday. Everything around me is reminding me of him. The Spring flowers blooming in the simple joy of being flowers, decorating my yard with their joyful presence, is bringing home the memories of him. His presence is ever so strong in my heart and mind. He is all around me. I sit with my morning coffee in the garden, where he and I co-created such a beautiful sacred space. He is always near me as I glance onto the things he built; the stone walls, the pond in the sunken garden, the stone patios. I smile as I view the towering pines that he rescued from Walmart because no one wanted them and they were to be thrown away. In all their crooked shapes, they grew tall and brought joy back to the man who saved them. Here and there are plants he rescued because someone was going to throw them away, carelessly not caring that they were a living force of energy. Dave brought home the orphaned plants, in his kindness, they smile back at him. Now they smile at me. I created and designed our garden, David built it. I planted and tended to the flowers, making purchase after purchase as he grumbled about where I was going to put them, "I'd run out of space", he said. I would argue with a "please let me bring it home" look in my eyes, that we'd find room for just one more! Before he died, on one of his better days. while sitting and enjoying the garden, he turned his sweet face to me and said, "I'm sure glad you made me keep finishing this yard. It's so beautiful and I am really enjoying it. I wouldn't have done this myself." I knew then that he was resting in what was 'our" creation together. We were a great team, him and I. We both had so many ideas and plenty of energy to pursue our goals. Although we each had different businesses, we complimented each other in our work and in our play. Our energy together had a lot of vitality and vibrance. Sometimes our vibrations were so high we conflicted, but what couple doesn't from time to time, especially if you're both as strong willed as we were.
It is good to rmember Dave, his face always smiling and his mind always working. He was a talker, my Dave. Always busy, always being productive. He was never dull or boring but always had some new project in the works. His energy level for a man of 68 was remarkable even in sickness. He never wanted to go, to leave me behind. He fought long and hard to stay here with me. "I just want to be with you" he would say. He was the kind of guy who was just happy being around me. He took joy in who I was and accepted me fully. He was that way with most people, accepting them as they came, never asking them to change.
David had an incredible ability to just flow with life. I learned many things from him, this being the biggest lesson. I always had a tendency to fight change. He would say, "Cindy, if you would just go with it and stop fighting it, it would become so easy." He was right. Spoken like the true wind surfer and downhill skiier he was, he could cut through any of life's adversities with the greatest of ease. God must have smiled down on him many times. Dave was a positive soul. He always knew happiness was a choice. He always picked the high road!
He was a natural born teacher to mankind. He never passed and opportnity to share his knowledge with anyone who was interested. With me, interested or not, he taught me things to help me grow as a person. He strengthened me. In that strength, he helped me to prepare for what neither of us knew years later would be waiting for us. Did he know on some level he would go before me? I don't know. I just know that while we butted heads over many things, his lessons were there for me to draw on after he was gone. He taught me too, that a couple can argue things through to resolution. He was a great debator and I learned to hold my own with him. He was the strongest man I have ever known and he helped me to become the strongest woman I could possibly be.
I miss him. He is always with me in a good way. I can still smell the scent of him and taste his sweet sweet kisses. I can still see his smiling face, his twinkling eyes and pink flushed skin. I can still feel his lingering touch of his soft warm hands on my smooth skin. He had a way of touchng me that that was so healing. In his hands, was the comfort of the world. One touch and I knew everything would be alright. But in the end, it was him taking comfort from my touch, telling me how good it felt to him. I was so glad that I could soothe him in his pain. So glad that I could comfort him and be close to him as he drew nearer and nearer to leaving me. Touch was vital to each of us in the end. When he first got sick, five years earlier, I whispered in his ears, "Dave.....don't go anywhere without me, ok?" He would always nod, "okay" with a smile. Yet, I couldn't keep him beside me any longer. God had other plans for him and for me.
I am trying to move through the loss. Although I feel him with me all the time, I miss his companionship and life force so very much. I had no idea it would be so hard to find my own way without him. We were so close. Sometimes it seems unreal that he isn't here. Sometimes I think he's only away on a trip, he'll be back. Yet, the front door never opens, I never hear his voice, I never see the warmth of his glowing face and body. I only hold him in my memories. I try to move on through the maze of emotions, for I know that is what Dave would want and expect from me. I try to find purpose, a reason to keep going, but he was my reason. He was my sunshine, my morning glow. He was what I came home to, who I snuggled in with each night, the man I confided in, my best friend.
Tomorrow I will remember his birthday. However, April 26th will be the one year anniversary of his birth into a new world I have yet to experience. A dimension of existence unknown to me. I know he is a force of energy. I know that energy keeps existing. I believe he is alive and well in this new form. I beleive that in conciousness we are still connected. I know he is in all things now. I saw him in the beautiful silver hair of a stranger walking down the street, I had to take a second look. I see him in the flowers and feel him in the wind. I see our bond in the spring birds making nests together, I see his laughter in the little things he thought funny; I find him in adventure, spontaneity and excitment in life. He is there as I watch the down hill skiers, the windsurfers, the couple canoeing across a quiet lake or river. He is in every beautiful sunrise and every sunset. Yes, he is in everything. My sweet, sweet David.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
IN YOUR HEART, I’M ALWAYS HERE
In Your Heart, I’m always Here
(my birthday poem for my daughter)
Little girls grow up to be women
No longer needing mom’s hand
Little girls grow up to be women
Independent, taking a stand.
Mommy’s soon become “Mother”
Two women now holding hands
Sharing life within the journey
Side by side, touching when can.
Distance may create separation
Yet the heart is forever bound
Mother and daughter united
Eternal love, eternal sound.
I love you my darling Wendy
Mother’s love is always near
Close your eyes and I am with you
In your heart, I’m always here.
Sometimes I may be hiding,
Sometimes you may not find
Yet deep beneath the troubles
A mothers love will always shine.
Today it is your birthday
My heart does heave a sigh
Where oh where has little girl gone?
She’s here at mothers side!
I love you! Happy Birthday!
Mom
(my birthday poem for my daughter)
Little girls grow up to be women
No longer needing mom’s hand
Little girls grow up to be women
Independent, taking a stand.
Mommy’s soon become “Mother”
Two women now holding hands
Sharing life within the journey
Side by side, touching when can.
Distance may create separation
Yet the heart is forever bound
Mother and daughter united
Eternal love, eternal sound.
I love you my darling Wendy
Mother’s love is always near
Close your eyes and I am with you
In your heart, I’m always here.
Sometimes I may be hiding,
Sometimes you may not find
Yet deep beneath the troubles
A mothers love will always shine.
Today it is your birthday
My heart does heave a sigh
Where oh where has little girl gone?
She’s here at mothers side!
I love you! Happy Birthday!
Mom
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Conversations With Guatemalan Male Teen
I have always had a deep desire to experience different cultures around the world. I thought that I would need to be a world traveler of foreign countries to fully know and experience these differences. Little did I know, that modern technology would allow me to have cultural exchanges with my global brothers and sisters. I didn't have to step out my door. The internet brought to me those who were meant to be in my path. I never expected that a virtual world would open the doors to such global interactions. Yet here I was, meeting a young male student from Guatemala; a country I was holding dear to my heart for it's human rights issues on femicide.
Since my last blog on Guatemala, my new friend has given me permission to begin discussing our conversations. Since he is a young male, in a society that devalues women, I was most anxious to hear his views about crime and about the femicide occuring in his country.
I was surprised to learn that he actually had respect for women. " It was how I was raised", he said. Coming from a family that was more affluent than most, he grew up in a household of women. I dare not become too specific in my story of him, for I wish to protect his idenity. Those who speak out in Guatemala are in great danger as are their families.
My new friend told me of his rual life before going off to school. He learned to kill by protecting the family farm. His weapon, a sharp machetti. I cringed as he told me of the wild animals he had to destroy to protect his families investment. This of course led off into a discussion of animal rights; how I have wild animals coming through my yard every night and I don't kill them for trespassing. He reported that these gorey deaths were deaths of necesssity. His friend would shoot them with a gun and he would dehead them with his machetti for a quick killing. In his mind, he was creating the least amount of suffering.
I asked him about the hanus murderous crimes against women in his country. He was curious about what I read or seen, claiming that not everything being reported is acutally truth. He and his family had seen many articles and news broadcasts, that they felt was not actually what was happening. He stated to me that in most of the killings it was because the women had cheated on their men. He told me that in his country adultry and unfaithfulness was a crime of sanctity. I could see that for as educated as this young man was, he too felt on some level that a woman's behavior justified her killing. We moved off into a conversation that this kind of behavior has been going on since the beginning of time, yet doesn't warrant death. We talked of a woman's right to live, regardless of behavior. I didn't believe that all the kiillings were women who had betrayed their men, yet this was the male mentality in Guatemala. Many killed were very young women.
He spoke of how his community handled such acts of crime, stating, that if a woman were murdered in his town, the community would find the killer and burn them in the streets for all to see. The same with thieves. He himself has not killed. Yet he speaks to me about what happens if he finds someone on the streets trying to hurt a woman or theives that try to rob others. He takes care of them his own way, by beating them up. Breaking their legs, arms, in an effort to keep law and order. He has no tolerance for this. He has spent time learning three kinds of marshall arts and honed his fighting skills. He states, "you wouldn't believe it! People just close their eyes to this kind of thing and pretened it's not happening. Walk right by." He tells me people fear him. He has the confidence of a fighter and a sense that he will be alright because of this. I ask him if he fears for his sisters? In his communnity, he seems to feel they will be alright. What about when you leave the university and marry, have little girls of your own, I ask? Will you fear for them? "We will be ok, I think."
I ask him if the thieves he hurts might be hungry? Poverty is a rampid social problem. He claims they should work for a living. I ask him if there is another way he could handle this instead of breaking legs and arms? What if he helped these people? He suggests they should go to class and learn a skill so they can work, a skill like forging. I am pleased to hear his mind coming to some form of rehabilitation. I ask, who would enforce they go to class, for the law will do nothing? There is silence. Could you start a school? More silence.
I ask him about his faith. Does he believe in God? Yes, but not religions, he reports. We talk about Love, not romanitc love but the love for mankind. I share my views. He likes what I am saying, "nice" he replies. I have a chance to learn of him and he of me. We end our conversation, until the next visit. I think about his ways and wonder if he walks away thinking of mine. Could there be another way for this 19 year old in Guatemala?
Since my last blog on Guatemala, my new friend has given me permission to begin discussing our conversations. Since he is a young male, in a society that devalues women, I was most anxious to hear his views about crime and about the femicide occuring in his country.
I was surprised to learn that he actually had respect for women. " It was how I was raised", he said. Coming from a family that was more affluent than most, he grew up in a household of women. I dare not become too specific in my story of him, for I wish to protect his idenity. Those who speak out in Guatemala are in great danger as are their families.
My new friend told me of his rual life before going off to school. He learned to kill by protecting the family farm. His weapon, a sharp machetti. I cringed as he told me of the wild animals he had to destroy to protect his families investment. This of course led off into a discussion of animal rights; how I have wild animals coming through my yard every night and I don't kill them for trespassing. He reported that these gorey deaths were deaths of necesssity. His friend would shoot them with a gun and he would dehead them with his machetti for a quick killing. In his mind, he was creating the least amount of suffering.
I asked him about the hanus murderous crimes against women in his country. He was curious about what I read or seen, claiming that not everything being reported is acutally truth. He and his family had seen many articles and news broadcasts, that they felt was not actually what was happening. He stated to me that in most of the killings it was because the women had cheated on their men. He told me that in his country adultry and unfaithfulness was a crime of sanctity. I could see that for as educated as this young man was, he too felt on some level that a woman's behavior justified her killing. We moved off into a conversation that this kind of behavior has been going on since the beginning of time, yet doesn't warrant death. We talked of a woman's right to live, regardless of behavior. I didn't believe that all the kiillings were women who had betrayed their men, yet this was the male mentality in Guatemala. Many killed were very young women.
He spoke of how his community handled such acts of crime, stating, that if a woman were murdered in his town, the community would find the killer and burn them in the streets for all to see. The same with thieves. He himself has not killed. Yet he speaks to me about what happens if he finds someone on the streets trying to hurt a woman or theives that try to rob others. He takes care of them his own way, by beating them up. Breaking their legs, arms, in an effort to keep law and order. He has no tolerance for this. He has spent time learning three kinds of marshall arts and honed his fighting skills. He states, "you wouldn't believe it! People just close their eyes to this kind of thing and pretened it's not happening. Walk right by." He tells me people fear him. He has the confidence of a fighter and a sense that he will be alright because of this. I ask him if he fears for his sisters? In his communnity, he seems to feel they will be alright. What about when you leave the university and marry, have little girls of your own, I ask? Will you fear for them? "We will be ok, I think."
I ask him if the thieves he hurts might be hungry? Poverty is a rampid social problem. He claims they should work for a living. I ask him if there is another way he could handle this instead of breaking legs and arms? What if he helped these people? He suggests they should go to class and learn a skill so they can work, a skill like forging. I am pleased to hear his mind coming to some form of rehabilitation. I ask, who would enforce they go to class, for the law will do nothing? There is silence. Could you start a school? More silence.
I ask him about his faith. Does he believe in God? Yes, but not religions, he reports. We talk about Love, not romanitc love but the love for mankind. I share my views. He likes what I am saying, "nice" he replies. I have a chance to learn of him and he of me. We end our conversation, until the next visit. I think about his ways and wonder if he walks away thinking of mine. Could there be another way for this 19 year old in Guatemala?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Another Side to the Crime in Guatemala
My first blog on the horrible crimes against women in Guatemala has instilled in me a passion for human rights in this country. Most recently, through the wonders of modern technology, I was able to have an at length discussion with a young 19 year old male from Guatemala. Longing to know his view points on the subject from the male perspective, I began to probe the crime isues so prevalent in his country. My main concerns were the murder of innocent women. Along with that, his concerns were the daily thievery and violence occuring in the streets. I learned that Guatemalans have their own way of dealing with the violence they have to live with. This young man tried to champion for goodness. The law enforcement of Guatemala does nothing to control or stop crimes and murder. Here, I met a citizen who was trying to uphold some standard of law on his own. A huge undertaking for a ninteen year old.
For now, my discussion has to remain between me and him. However, I am hoping in time, I may be given his permission to disclose some of the information and the story he has shared with me without putting him at risk.
As we talked, I tried to have an open heart and understand the mind of this educated young man, who still could only fight the system with his own barbaric means to a somewhat futile end. My new friend thought that Guatemala had been "forgotten at the hand of God". I reassure him that there are people outside of his country that care about what's happening in Guatemala. "Please don't lose hope", I said. It occured to me as we spoke, that Guatemala is generations away from a cure of crime unless there were a drastic change in politics and the infra structure of law enforcement.
My new friend felt that education was a key factor to the change of his country. How many centuries will it take to erase the centuries of macho beliefs towards women, I thought? How many centuries to over turn a corupt government and law enforcement? How many centuries before respect for another humans " right to life" exists? How many centuries before force is not the way of life for either goodness or evill acts? How many more senseless murders?
I am reminded of a word we use in yoga class, Namaste. It means that the Divine in me honors and respects the Divine in you. With this awareness we walk out into the world treating each other with respect for that which is in all of us.
I am but one person, touched by human rights for this country. Here in my path, comes a young mind with whom I am able to converse about these issues and share my points of view. I am amazed and in awe of how we are used for good. I couldn't see how, I, as one person, could make any difference in this cause. It seemed overwhelming. Yet, my heart weeped for Guatemalan women. I could only write and share my views. Now, I am able to touch the life of one male in Guatemala. Can I change anything,? No. However, by sharing values, points of views, stimulating thinking and questioning, it is possible that making a difference can start with one human heart.
Namaste
For now, my discussion has to remain between me and him. However, I am hoping in time, I may be given his permission to disclose some of the information and the story he has shared with me without putting him at risk.
As we talked, I tried to have an open heart and understand the mind of this educated young man, who still could only fight the system with his own barbaric means to a somewhat futile end. My new friend thought that Guatemala had been "forgotten at the hand of God". I reassure him that there are people outside of his country that care about what's happening in Guatemala. "Please don't lose hope", I said. It occured to me as we spoke, that Guatemala is generations away from a cure of crime unless there were a drastic change in politics and the infra structure of law enforcement.
My new friend felt that education was a key factor to the change of his country. How many centuries will it take to erase the centuries of macho beliefs towards women, I thought? How many centuries to over turn a corupt government and law enforcement? How many centuries before respect for another humans " right to life" exists? How many centuries before force is not the way of life for either goodness or evill acts? How many more senseless murders?
I am reminded of a word we use in yoga class, Namaste. It means that the Divine in me honors and respects the Divine in you. With this awareness we walk out into the world treating each other with respect for that which is in all of us.
I am but one person, touched by human rights for this country. Here in my path, comes a young mind with whom I am able to converse about these issues and share my points of view. I am amazed and in awe of how we are used for good. I couldn't see how, I, as one person, could make any difference in this cause. It seemed overwhelming. Yet, my heart weeped for Guatemalan women. I could only write and share my views. Now, I am able to touch the life of one male in Guatemala. Can I change anything,? No. However, by sharing values, points of views, stimulating thinking and questioning, it is possible that making a difference can start with one human heart.
Namaste
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Murder of Women in Guatemala
It is 2010 and my global social concience has been tweeked by a recent documentary I watched on the DOC channel on satelight TV. I speak of the horrrible killings, torture, mutilation and dismemberment of women and young girls in Guatemala. The documentary was outstanding as it painted the accurate picture of how the Guatemalan women have to live daily in fear of their lives while carrying out simple tasks of everyday living. It also gave great insight into the killers mind and attitude as some spoke in interviews after arrest. The devaluation of women as human beings is appalling and sickening. Killing is only a pleasure to these sick souls. Carving messages in the dead womens flesh, cutting off their breasts and other parts, raping them, torturing them, done only for the killers own pleasure and to terrorize for control of society. There is an attitude among these killers (many gangs) that they have the right to treat women in such a non humane way. It rips at at my heart . My soul weeps in pain for these women and their families who endure such horrible suffering.
What is even more tragic is the message of impunity through out Guatemala. The police do very little to investigate, arrest and convict these criminals. One literally "gets away with murder" in Guatemala. Those who try to fight back, fear for their lives as well as the lives of their family members. Many family members of the murdered women and others are killed as warnings, intimidating those trying to seek changes in the law enforcement. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that the law does NOTHING to help solve these crimes. Many in the law enforcement are trained killers from the former army and revolution in Guatemala. The women are devalued as humans. If a women is found dead wearing sandals or wearing nail polish, the death is treated like she was a nothing..like she she deserved it.
The killers attitudes are mind blowing. If a women was wearing a short skirt or simply looked attractive, the attitude by the macho men is she deserved to be raped. Oh dear God, please intervene here! Women are being treated less than animals with absolutely no regard for human life. It's a horrible plight when the law won't even help and men think they can continue this behavior without punishment. Part of me is so angered and sickened and another part of me realizes that the killers see nothing wrong with what they are doing. I try to find forgiveness for people who can't see what is wrong with murder. What is wrong with rape, what is wrong with mutilation and dismemberment. This is centuries old, a brain washed, macho society. It is hard to find forgiveness...yet, I know if these killers only realized what they were doing, they would not be able to commit these acts again. They would hang their heads in horror, shame and disgrace would overcome them. But, they know not what they do. They are blinded by centuries of belief. Change a mans thinking and we change the behavior. Every one of these killers wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for a women...their mother.
The murderous crimes are spreading. At least two women are killed every day in Guatemala for just existing. Beautiful, lovely, innocent young women. The murderous crimes have spread over into the border towns of Mexico. The fact that these hanus crimes are increasing rather than decreasing says that nothing is working to stop these killings against women.
Norma Cruz has led a social movement in an effort to help save the women of Guatemala. She does this at great risk to her own life. She has lobbied in Washington for Human Rights in Guatemala, asking help to stop femicide. We can make a difference too, one person at a time. If you write, expose this problem to the world or Join Amnesty:
http://takeaction.amnestyusa.org/siteapps/advocacy/ActionCenter.aspx?c=jhKPIXPCIoE&b=2590179
donate for the cause, in Guatemala or support Norma Cruz in her Support Center for these women. In some small way we can all make a difference.
Years ago, we all lived in a bubble. We didn't have access to global events, tragedy and horrors that existed in other parts of the world. When I was young, it was all about the the starving children in China. Now with television and internet, nothing is being hidden anymore. Journalists report at great risks to themselves, many murdered for speaking out and exposing what they see. We too, can't hide from the knowledge that others suffer in terror while we sleep in saftey and security. We, as a country, have fought hard and lost many lives to have such everyday rights. Yet, my sisters, there are women out there who need your support in whatever way you can give it. We can't close our eyes and say, "oh, this isn't in my backyard" then go about our day. As awareness of social problems increase, we no longer have excuses. The world can change, one person at a time.
God save the women of Guatemala!
What is even more tragic is the message of impunity through out Guatemala. The police do very little to investigate, arrest and convict these criminals. One literally "gets away with murder" in Guatemala. Those who try to fight back, fear for their lives as well as the lives of their family members. Many family members of the murdered women and others are killed as warnings, intimidating those trying to seek changes in the law enforcement. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that the law does NOTHING to help solve these crimes. Many in the law enforcement are trained killers from the former army and revolution in Guatemala. The women are devalued as humans. If a women is found dead wearing sandals or wearing nail polish, the death is treated like she was a nothing..like she she deserved it.
The killers attitudes are mind blowing. If a women was wearing a short skirt or simply looked attractive, the attitude by the macho men is she deserved to be raped. Oh dear God, please intervene here! Women are being treated less than animals with absolutely no regard for human life. It's a horrible plight when the law won't even help and men think they can continue this behavior without punishment. Part of me is so angered and sickened and another part of me realizes that the killers see nothing wrong with what they are doing. I try to find forgiveness for people who can't see what is wrong with murder. What is wrong with rape, what is wrong with mutilation and dismemberment. This is centuries old, a brain washed, macho society. It is hard to find forgiveness...yet, I know if these killers only realized what they were doing, they would not be able to commit these acts again. They would hang their heads in horror, shame and disgrace would overcome them. But, they know not what they do. They are blinded by centuries of belief. Change a mans thinking and we change the behavior. Every one of these killers wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for a women...their mother.
The murderous crimes are spreading. At least two women are killed every day in Guatemala for just existing. Beautiful, lovely, innocent young women. The murderous crimes have spread over into the border towns of Mexico. The fact that these hanus crimes are increasing rather than decreasing says that nothing is working to stop these killings against women.
Norma Cruz has led a social movement in an effort to help save the women of Guatemala. She does this at great risk to her own life. She has lobbied in Washington for Human Rights in Guatemala, asking help to stop femicide. We can make a difference too, one person at a time. If you write, expose this problem to the world or Join Amnesty:
http://takeaction.amnestyusa.org/siteapps/advocacy/ActionCenter.aspx?c=jhKPIXPCIoE&b=2590179
donate for the cause, in Guatemala or support Norma Cruz in her Support Center for these women. In some small way we can all make a difference.
Years ago, we all lived in a bubble. We didn't have access to global events, tragedy and horrors that existed in other parts of the world. When I was young, it was all about the the starving children in China. Now with television and internet, nothing is being hidden anymore. Journalists report at great risks to themselves, many murdered for speaking out and exposing what they see. We too, can't hide from the knowledge that others suffer in terror while we sleep in saftey and security. We, as a country, have fought hard and lost many lives to have such everyday rights. Yet, my sisters, there are women out there who need your support in whatever way you can give it. We can't close our eyes and say, "oh, this isn't in my backyard" then go about our day. As awareness of social problems increase, we no longer have excuses. The world can change, one person at a time.
God save the women of Guatemala!
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