Christmas in Sedona

It's Christmas time again! Under normal circumstances I'd be enjoying this holiday like I always have. My late husband David and I use to make our annual trek from Massachusetts to spend our Christmas vacation in the west. In Sedona, AZ. we would meet up with other snow birds and experience Christmas away from the hustle and bustle and cold of the New England winters. Several years after visiting, we settled in Sedona permanently. Our snowbird friends would still come at Christmas until each began to settle into their own lives in various places. I remember being so excited as we'd drive into town in our 33 foot Holiday Imperial Coach. With the anticipation of a child, I could hardly wait to get here. Dave seemed to genuinely enjoy my excitement as he'd navigate our big rig around the winding roads and into the RV park where we'd spend our winters off Schnebly Hill. Friends would come to meet us and it was a glorious reunion. Our Christmas's were spent with many friends, each bringing a dish to share as we'd sit around a blazing campfire well into the pitch black nights of Sedona. Our Christmas day was filled with a hike, gourmet food and some type of spiritual ceremony. Those were Christmas's I won't forget. They were filled with meaning, warm friends and were different than anything I'd experienced in my traditional life back east. We had tasted the west, the native American culture, the mystical ambiance of Sedona's lure. Sedona had found a home in our hearts. In 1999 we bought our home in the Village of Oak Creek.

Life was good. We shared a unique lifestyle, enjoying the red rock country in our daily exposure to life. Sometimes I wondered if it could get any better than this? Life was full of adventure! We hiked and played and in the winter Dave skied up in Flagstaff. We traveled. He was in his glory and had exactly what he wanted, a mild climate, no snow to deal with and within an hours ride he could be skiing at the San Francisco Peaks. We truly were enjoying life. Christmas's came and went, each being a little different once we moved into our home. Dave became reconnected with his daughter and her children so we began having family Christmas's once again. The kids seemed to really enjoy coming over to Sedona from California. I made a special effort to create memorable Christmas's for them. Loving to cook, I created wonderful meals to fill their senses. Dave would take them up on the mountain to go skiing or sledding, enjoying all the experiences he could with his grandchildren. Having my own children so far away in Massachusetts, I too, looked forward to the visits from his family. Life was full, connected, joyful and Christmas was something I looked forward to.

This year, David is gone. Taken by cancer in April of this year, his absence has turned my life upside down. Where oh where is Christmas this year? I can't seem to find it. The house is undecorated. Silent moments of old memories, crashing heartbreak and pain flood me. I wonder if I'll ever be able to create Christmas memories again? Will life ever get better? I try, oh how I try; yet the silent moments of aloneness echo though my soul like a chilling winter wind. The tortuous walk alone, agonizing, sometimes unbearable. How I would like to run away to a far away place with warm sunshine and crashing ocean waves distracting me from my pain. Yet, I can not run far for wherever I go, there I am. Each corner a mirror; there is no escape. There is only one way out and it's staying on the path. Tears rolling down my cheeks as my thoughts reflect back to him. I never knew it would be so hard to move ahead. Each day with one foot in front of the other, the only purpose being to land on solid ground. Wondering why I am even walking, one foot in front of the next, where am I going? What is my purpose for moving ahead? Where do I go from here? All these questions rumble through my mind as each day turns like a page in book. Only my pages are blank and life isn't unfolding a story. It's more like a flatline on a hospital machine. Every day I "get through", it isn't the same as living them. How do I spend Christmas alone in the west? How do I get through these holidays without my best friend, my love?

Life just doesn't seem normal to me. Why even my "purfect"cat has turned into a delinquent, having her own crisis! Scratching and clawing up the carpets, she misses him too. I know I'm where I'm suppose to be in my grief, moving along on schedule. I've tried to do what I can for myself but sometimes it seems like I am on an island alone. Do the neighbors even notice? Where are my friends? Everyone has their own life. This is a time I would like to be an elephant, nutured and cared for by my herd. Yet, I pull away and get lost in aloneness. Birthing into a new beginning is like the baby chick having to break out of its own eggshell. No one can do this for me. I close my eyes, breath a deep sigh and know, my Spring will come. Soon I will hear the sweet songs of the birds, the sun will warm my aching soul and life will be renewed in love. My Spring will come.